Depending upon who you talk to, there are many different types of 'space.' There's inner space and outer space, virtual space, personal space, physical space, office space and even spaced out. The list goes on. But how big is a space? How long? What dimensions does it fill. People read this quote by Frankl and think of an immediate stimulus and a response, as in conversation. We're a 'convenience', fast-food society. (Don't make me wait too long.) Surely, this quote applies there in the realm of day-to-day interaction. But what if that response doesn't arrive for a long time because the stimulus went out into the universe or vice-versa? Well, we lose the connection between the two. "Where did that come from? Outer Space?"
Indeed.
And so it goes that I received a message from the universe. "Silly universe, that wasn't a very nice message." You must be confused, or wrong, or maybe just ignorant, or 'spaced out.' I discounted that message. And doing so, got stuck... stuck somewhere in the middle... in that... SPACE. Stuck for a long time surrounded by my stories. "Oh, I did it again. I fell in that hole in the sidewalk again" holding onto my attachments, ready to chew my arm off rather than be trapped in pain and suffering yet unwilling to let go of my iron-clad grip on my attachments.
My father wrote me a beautiful letter once; one of many, but in this one I remembered something special he said to me. He said, "Maysa, what are you running from? Why not change your perspective and find something to run toward? The horizon is vast and beautiful." So, this weekend with a little help from a friend, I ran toward something: practice, The Dharma. I needed to find refuge, sanctuary.
I found hope and loving kindness from Ajahn Anandabodhi whose gentle guidance, meditation, and lecture highlighted that dukkha (or suffering) always comes from our own firm grip on our attachments. I needed to focus on the present and turn into the suffering. I said, "Like childbirth... the only way out is through." And she reminded me that we all must look inward and do so with compassion.
We meditated. It was incredibly moving to be in a room filled with people (50 or more) all in silence, focusing on our inward breath and how we share that outward breath with each other. I was overcome with gratitude. It was a present.
"Ahhhhh..."
I've walked away from these past few days of silence crowded with thoughts, but constantly reminding myself to breath and be mindful of the moment... the air filling my lungs, belly rise, belly fall, surrounded by trees 1000 years old, the wind blowing slowly across my legs, the feel of the keys as I type, the fading light as the fog rolls in again. The next step is to balance effort to remain longer in the present while working on becoming aware of what concepts I'm so attached. They need to be released. Sometimes, awareness for the need of awareness is the next step.
So, I'm still stuck in the space in the middle, enjoying the freedom and possibilities there, not taking the stimulus personal, and trying to formulate my response. But at least I know that I'm "in the middle" and I can see a horizon now. That's a start. The universe won't get a response yet and it might be a while but... I'm working on it. Knowing that:
"When we are no longer able to change a situation ... we are challenged to change ourselves." -Viktor Frankl
Maysa-Maria K. G. Peterson Lach
Star Date: 18657.75
Star Date: 18657.75
